The More Things Change, The More They Scare The Shit Out of Me.

The 2010 season is upon us, and I for one am going to need a significant amount of Zantec... or Quaalude.

I am not a fan of change. I am a giant fan of comfort zones, routines, and the Minnesota Twins. Usually, all three of those things come hand-in-hand. This year we are all being thrown for a loop. The differences are stacking up, and oddly enough, it's the little ones that are giving me the most pause. I think I will start by listing the least alarming, and work my way up to the quiet hysteria that has begun to engulf me.

The Team- Have you looked at this roster lately? We have some how done a complete 180 and found ourselves with a powerful and dangerous lineup partnered with no depth on an unproven pitching staff. Okay, Baker and Pavano are proven arms. Proven, but not exactly super dominant. We have Slowey, Neshak, and Nathan coming off of injuries (good thing they're not that important) and Liriano keeps dangling his triumphant return in front of us. Frankie was beyond awesome for 3 months 4 years ago... I am going to say that he has to give us at least half a season before we re-crown him the Cisco Kid of '06.

I don't know. I mean, I am very happy that we have decided to make some serious moves. I am sick of being one-and-done in the playoffs, and I think it is great for the state that we've gotten better (on paper). It's just going to be weird being a power lineup with my boy LNP being the odd one out because his OPS+ was 67 last year (I'll have you know that his stats for productive outs and advancing runners are above average!).

The Stadium- I have spent a crazy amount of time in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. I love it . It has been My Favorite Place for as long as I can remember. I have met heroes at TwinsFest, ran and a roller skated, marched with the Pride of Minnesota, thrown out the first pitch, ran the bases, played softball, stolen a seat (and several cup holders), worked learned all the tunnels, and watched the most important 25 people in my life play a countless number of baseball games. I love that place, and I know it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Now I have to get to know a brand new park, just like every other Rube off the street. I have no inside info from working for the Twins, or marching band, or just 25 years experience. Target Field is brand spanking new. I don't know the best angles, the best seats, the best concession stands. Also, I don't care about rain, snow or cold, but it is going to be freakin' hot out there! I can't stand summer time heat. I am going to need to load up on some wicking Twins apparel.

The crowd- When the trombones all went to the the Twins game on April 30th, 2003 for the Stepnick-Rehani tri-birthday the announced attendance was in the 12,000s. Twelve. Thousand. In a 50,000 seat ballpark. I loved it. You could hear us yell back and forth from home plate to centerfield. There were no lines, no a-holes sitting right next to you, and when something awesome happened on the field we knew that we were in the select few that saw it live. The tickets were 3 bucks, the giveaways were always available, parking was a breeze. No stress!

Now the new stadium, the sexy batting order, and the UNBELIEVABLE glorious end to the 2009 regular season (which I am in no way speaking ill of... EVER) will cause Target Field to be sold out practically every game, and now I have to wait over 4 minutes for my hot dog....

Which brings me to the largest panic point of the off season:

THE HOT DOGS ARE DIFFERENT! My favorite food for over 15 years has been Metrodome hot dogs. Done. They are... were... wonderful in every possible way. No more. I will never again eat a reverently steamed Hormel all-beef hot dog at a Twins game. Think I couldn't be more sad? Nail in the coffin time...

When you are at the game, you can't possibly be in the Hormel Row of Fame.
There is no lucky seat, and a far worse hot dog treat.
Not for lunch, not for dinner.
I'll NEVER be a weiner winner
RIP Hormel Row of Fame.

I leave you now, as I am gently weeping onto my keyboard.

I am absolutely excited for the season, and waiting with baited breath. I am just afraid of the unknown. But guess what? In 36 days it won't be unknown anymore!

2010 Central Division Championship... and beyond!