You Don't Want to Step To This

2011 MLB Roadtrip

2010-11-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

This is a preliminary map of the trip that Beyer and I are planning for May 2011. It kicks off on my birthday with the Twins in KC. We will catch up to the Local 9 in Boston toward the end of this 9-Day, 10 Game, 3200 mile adventure.

I am officially in planning mode, and I am getting more excited by the day. It is still 6 months away. Don't care. Hooray for baseball!

The Google doesn't let me use numbers as icons for these map points, so let me talk you through it.

Green is where I start- MPLS. The red icons are the start and finish (KC and Pittsburgh). We are going to rent a car, so I am hoping to fly back from Pitt after Game 10.

4/30/11 - My 28th birthday! Twins at Royals. I have never been here, so I'm pumped.

5/1/11 - Still in KC. Twins baseball on Sunday is as close as I get to church.

5/2/11 - Marlins at Cardinals.

5/3/11 - Yankees at TIgers. I will be cheering for the division rival. Sue me.

5/4/11 - Astros at Reds. This game being scheduled for 2:00pm is the key to the whole trip. Thank you Cincinnati schedulers!

5/5/11 - Attempting the impossible: Two-state Double-Header! Giants at Mets FOLLOWED BY Nationals at Phillies! Can we get from NYC to Philly in 3.5 hours?

5/6/11 - Twins at Red Sox. I have long dreamed of seeing a real game at Fenway. I took the tour once, but it wasn't enough. After a 12 hour drive combined with a double-header, this game will rejuvenate our souls.

5/7/11 - Rays at Orioles. I have already been to Oriole Park at Camden Yards, but it was wondeful, and I don't think I did a good job of cementing the memory.

5/8/11 - Astros at Pirates. We see the Astros twice on this trip, and both are away!

Beyer and I are really going to test the friendship on this adventure. I think our best bet is lots of No-Doze and some books on tape.

Check out the map, and if you live in one of these cities you should feel obligated to offer your couches/floors to our sorry nomadic asses.

View

Meatloaf Said it Best...

2010-06-20T15:20:00.000-07:00

Two out of Three Ain't Bad!!!

I was extremely worried about this series versus Philly, and I gotta tell you, these two wins feel better that any series sweep has (except 2006 White Sox in September... that was some sweet action). I was watching the Saturday game on my couch and had the same thoughts that most of the Territory must have had, "this game is disgusting, I should probably go do something productive." Luckily my obsession has reached the level wherein if I have the means to be watching a Twins game, I am not missing a minute. This game was awesome!

Manship with a quality 4 1/3! Thome off the bench! BUTERA OFF THE BENCH! Rauch with an 0-2 sac bunt! Mauer using his man-strength! Punto reaching base 4 times from the 8-hole (HUGE during inter-league play- you never want to make the 3rd out when the pitcher is on deck)!

I hope to always remember this game. Thank you to the six people that were texting and facebook chatting with me during the game. Even though I was alone at home, it felt like a real community win.

Add to that the consistency with which we drove in runners today, and Pavano's amazing leadership with a complete game, this series will be something we can look at to keep focus and confidence down the stretch.

Great job team! In lieu of actual analysis for this series I am going to instead give you something awesome to think about.

LNP has been using Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" as his intro music this season. While I do not appreciate the allusion to his many pop-outs, it does create an awesome game to play between innings. How many Phil Collins songs lend themselves to Nick Punto jokes? I'll get you started with a small list.

Against All Odds (easy)
Easy (G)Lover (puns!)
Take Me Home
Don't Lose My Number (put me in coach!)
One More Night
Invisible Touch

If all three of us are at a game at the same time I will get at least one Sussido-related text from Paul and Stacy... Puun, Puun, Puuun-to!

NOW

2010-06-06T16:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Gardy-

Get rid of Brendo.

-Everyone

ps- The CrainWreck shouldn't be far behind.

Gardy! Come on!!!

2010-05-23T06:52:00.001-07:00

There have been some very mysterious managing decisions lately, but Saturday's game versus the Brewers has ended my silence on the matter.

The Twins blew the lead in the top of the ninth and came up to bat in the bottom half down by one run. It's okay though, because we have got the meat of the order coming to the plate. Morneau doubles, Cuddyer singles, Kubel strikes out (my Mom puts her head through a wall), and Delmon hits a ground-rule double. Now the game is tied back up, we've got runners on 2nd and 3rd with one out.

Triple-A call-up Trevor Plouffe is scheduled to hit next. He went 2 for 5 yesterday, and so far in this game he already has a sacrifice fly. All we need is a fly ball deep enough that Cuddyer can tag from third base and win us the damn game. Keep in mind that Nick Punto, who I love with my whole heart, but cannot hit a ball that is going more than 92 mph, is in the on-deck circle.

Ron Gardenhire, in his infinite wisdom, pinch-hits veteran slugger Jim Thome for the rookie. OBVIOUSLY with first base open the Brewers intentionally walk him to load the bases for Punto, re-opening the option for an inning-ending ground ball double play. Duh.

What I would have done is a little gutsy, but I think has much better odds and doesn't burn two bench players (Thome always gets a pinch-runner as soon as he reaches first base) when the possibility for extra innings is looming.

I let Trevor "Plouffe! There it is!" go ahead and try to win us the ballgame. All he needs to do is hit a fly ball. Or poke something through the infield. Or at least hit a ground ball to someone's backhand so that they have a tough time throwing home to beat Cuddyer. We have one out to burn, and there is basically no easy way for him to hit into a double play. I mean, they will obviously walk Thome there, I just don't see a point to making that move.

Now, if Plouffe can't get it done, THEN you can pinch hit Thome for Punto if you want. If they walk him there it will be to get to Denard Span, who despite being 0-5 in this game, is still a threat with the bat.

Nicky looked like a goat yesterday, but so did a lot of guys. Mahay being #1 on that list. Kubel being #2 with that UGLY strikeout I mentioned earlier. Lucky for him, he redeemed himself. How many of the guys that were not clutch yesterday also turned a SWEET ASS 2-player double play? Well, Alexi Casilla did, but he was actually pretty awesome with the 3 fantastic walks he took. For real, that was totally sweet. Way to go Tumnus!

Okay, moving on. SWEEP TODAY TWINS!!!! Do it for the front row and do it for the stands!!

Historical Significance

2010-05-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

I went to all four games versus Baltimore this weekend. That rain out on Friday was perfect, as it allowed me to buy a ticket to the make up game that I would normally have missed due to my second job. Not only did I get to attend both games of my first Double Header, but I got to see something completely remarkable.

I am so excited by the turn of events on Saturday night that I almost started a twitter account just so that I could tell Ken Tremendous about it (as well as compliment Parks and Rec).

Nick Punto, THE Nick Punto, Mr. .210, was INTENTIONALLY WALKED. Big deal you say? It was done to preserve force outs with first base empty. So what, right? Sure, he has become synonymous with the phrase "offensive liability," but hey, a baseball decision is a baseball decision right?

Nick Punto was intentionally walked to load the bases for THE CHOSEN ONE, JOE FUCKING MAUER.

Granted, Casilla was technically putting on a good little show in the on-deck circle, but with Harris pinch-running for Thome, the writing was on the wall that Alexi was leaving the game.

Keep-Swinging-Charlie-Maybe-You'll-Give-'em-a-Cold was given a free pass for the reigning MVP and Batting, Slugging, and On-Base Percentage Champion.

AND IT WORKED! Mauer struck out. A good decision by Mike Trembley. Who the hell would have put money on that?

Man, the atmosphere in The Bullseye when Punto started his jog down to first with a grin on his face was fantastic. Then we hear T.I. being pumped through the speakers...

"What you know about that? What you know about that?"
"Pinch hitting for Alexi Casilla... JOE MAUER!"

The crowd went fucking nuts. It was the best it has been at The Bullseye all year, for my money. And follow that up with Super Foxy Drew Butera's second career hit and first two RBI, and a game on Sunday that can only be described as a Pirahna Feeding Frenzy, and we have ourselves some exciting Twins baseball!

I know it's only been a month...

2010-05-03T19:48:00.001-07:00

... but I am just going to say it anyway. I love the Twins. I love them. It is too soon to say that 2010 is going to be a magical year, but in a way hasn't it already been?

Our lineup is producing like we said it would, and yet look at all the men we are leaving on base! We are scoring runs and winning games, and yet we are still just scraping the edge of our potential! We should be scoring 10 runs instead of 7 or 8. We are hitting a record amount of home runs, and yet our main DH is only slugging .316. (I vow to never mention BA as an important stat on this blog ever).

Defensively we are phenomenal. If you remove the two errors assigned to Liriano and Butera, the real defense has only committed four errors all season, and three out of those four are on outfielders! Our infield has committed one error- one- in the first 26 games of the year. Come on!

The rookie production has also been huge. Alex Burnett has been a strong addition to our bullpen. He had a shaky appearance on Saturday, but has been strong overall. Luke Hughes came up and hit a jack in his first at bat. His defense was solid as well. Drew Butera has been an excellent backstop for us, calling great games and working very well with the pitching staff. He is also extremely attractive to the point where I might be able to name him Hottest Twin Ever without reservation. I guess the use of the word "might" in and of itself is a reservation. Fine- Hottest Twin EVER.

Wilson Ramos. What a hitter! What a league! I was talking to Cy Jungkunz about him yesterday and we agreed that, while a 4-hit debut performance is incredibly impressive, the greatest part of his first career game at the major league level was his ability to settle Frankie "The Headcase" Liriano down after a rough first inning and get a solid 8-inning start out of him. Do you know how huge that was? Our entire pen, save for Rauch, had been taxed the night before. Also, The Cisco Kid operates almost entirely on momentum. Getting that impressive a performance out of his pitcher after that awful first inning was what impressed upon me the most that Ramos is going to be an outstanding major league catcher.

This team is really coming together. Coomer hits on this all the time, so I will regurgitate it now- our offense is just starting to get rolling! We have so much more in us, so many runners on base that aren't being driven in. We could get scary-good if we can catch fire. I am so happy that I have my 20-game pack, because with the way The Bullseye is selling tickets, the days of just heading to the ballpark for a cheap seat on a whim are long gone.

NICK PUNTO LIL' GEM OF THE WEEK: My Boy was activated off of the DL on May 1st. It is now May 3rd and I have counted 11 excellent defensive plays. His range is fucking amazing, but I have recently been focusing on an aspect of his defense that is unsung. He can get that ball out of his glove faster than anyone I have ever seen. His catch-and-throw motion is fluid and instantaneous. Match that up with the tiny little canon of an arm, and he can turn an around-the-horn double play on a laser down the line with effortless grace. I have missed him so much! (You thought I was going to talk about his 3 RBI day on Sunday, didn't you? Philistine).

Go Twins! I am going to four games in the 7 day span from Thursday to Wednesday, so I will absolutely have more to say then. Also, I just broke down and got cable, so after only listening to the April games on the radio, I will now have a much better feel for the team being able to actually watch every game.

Ugh, I am in love!

Opening Day!!!!

2010-04-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

This is the best day of the year!

Yeah, yeah, I guess some zombie came back to life a couple of thousand years ago. Great stuff. More importantly, baseball is back!

I am currently watching Yankees/BoSox on the bootleg website channelsurfing.net. I hate Jon Miller and Joe Morgan as broadcasters, but I'll take what I can get.

Seriously though, Joe Morgan sucks. Jorge Posada just hit the first home run of the season, and he hit it off of historic Pesky's Pole in Fenway Park. Now, I am not from Boston, but I am very familiar with the existence of Pesky's Pole. Most baseball fans are. Jon Miller called the home run, then did a quick little sidenote about how back in the day the BoSox gave Johnny Pesky a hard time about his lack of power and how they joked he could only hit a home run if it went off of the right field foul pole at a meager 302 ft (thus the name of the foul pole). Joe Morgan, former professional baseball player and long-time broadcaster, says to him "so they probably used to call it Pesky's Pole." Jon Miller, already exasperated at the idiocy of his partner, replies "They still do, which is why I called it that." Joe had the decency to just respond with "Oh."

Leaving that alone for a minute, I am already bummed that the Yankees hit two two-out home runs off of Josh Beckett. Seriously? We're less than a half-hour into the 2010 season and the damned Bronx Bombers already have two dingers.

This is why I don't believe in that 2000 year old zombie. A fair and just god would never allow the Yankees to exist.

The countdown to my afternoon nap that will prepare me to stay up and watch the Twins at 9:05(!!!!) is at 21 hours!!

I have found a religion worth following!

2010-03-07T15:41:00.001-08:00

2 posts in one day! My boring 3rd job does have some benefits.

I am just going to post a link to this fantastic article about the broadcasting of baseball and the changing of the times. PLEASE read it. I am really attempting to change my ways and become more intelligent about baseball, and this sports journalist outlines a great way for the rest of his field to help me and the rest of America. Run on sentence- I don't care, I am excited!

http://www.baseballprospectus.com/article.php?articleid=10101

I know that as a Nick Punto enthusiast I am going to have a hard time evaluating using VORP, EqA, and OPS+. I have always hidden behind the "batting average and RBI are incredibly misleading and uninformative stats" argument. Well, I guess I'll have to find some stats that back him up, some way, some how.

Sabermetrics is my new belief system.

The More Things Change, The More They Scare The Shit Out of Me.

2010-03-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

The 2010 season is upon us, and I for one am going to need a significant amount of Zantec... or Quaalude.

I am not a fan of change. I am a giant fan of comfort zones, routines, and the Minnesota Twins. Usually, all three of those things come hand-in-hand. This year we are all being thrown for a loop. The differences are stacking up, and oddly enough, it's the little ones that are giving me the most pause. I think I will start by listing the least alarming, and work my way up to the quiet hysteria that has begun to engulf me.

The Team- Have you looked at this roster lately? We have some how done a complete 180 and found ourselves with a powerful and dangerous lineup partnered with no depth on an unproven pitching staff. Okay, Baker and Pavano are proven arms. Proven, but not exactly super dominant. We have Slowey, Neshak, and Nathan coming off of injuries (good thing they're not that important) and Liriano keeps dangling his triumphant return in front of us. Frankie was beyond awesome for 3 months 4 years ago... I am going to say that he has to give us at least half a season before we re-crown him the Cisco Kid of '06.

I don't know. I mean, I am very happy that we have decided to make some serious moves. I am sick of being one-and-done in the playoffs, and I think it is great for the state that we've gotten better (on paper). It's just going to be weird being a power lineup with my boy LNP being the odd one out because his OPS+ was 67 last year (I'll have you know that his stats for productive outs and advancing runners are above average!).

The Stadium- I have spent a crazy amount of time in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. I love it . It has been My Favorite Place for as long as I can remember. I have met heroes at TwinsFest, ran and a roller skated, marched with the Pride of Minnesota, thrown out the first pitch, ran the bases, played softball, stolen a seat (and several cup holders), worked learned all the tunnels, and watched the most important 25 people in my life play a countless number of baseball games. I love that place, and I know it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Now I have to get to know a brand new park, just like every other Rube off the street. I have no inside info from working for the Twins, or marching band, or just 25 years experience. Target Field is brand spanking new. I don't know the best angles, the best seats, the best concession stands. Also, I don't care about rain, snow or cold, but it is going to be freakin' hot out there! I can't stand summer time heat. I am going to need to load up on some wicking Twins apparel.

The crowd- When the trombones all went to the the Twins game on April 30th, 2003 for the Stepnick-Rehani tri-birthday the announced attendance was in the 12,000s. Twelve. Thousand. In a 50,000 seat ballpark. I loved it. You could hear us yell back and forth from home plate to centerfield. There were no lines, no a-holes sitting right next to you, and when something awesome happened on the field we knew that we were in the select few that saw it live. The tickets were 3 bucks, the giveaways were always available, parking was a breeze. No stress!

Now the new stadium, the sexy batting order, and the UNBELIEVABLE glorious end to the 2009 regular season (which I am in no way speaking ill of... EVER) will cause Target Field to be sold out practically every game, and now I have to wait over 4 minutes for my hot dog....

Which brings me to the largest panic point of the off season:

THE HOT DOGS ARE DIFFERENT! My favorite food for over 15 years has been Metrodome hot dogs. Done. They are... were... wonderful in every possible way. No more. I will never again eat a reverently steamed Hormel all-beef hot dog at a Twins game. Think I couldn't be more sad? Nail in the coffin time...

When you are at the game, you can't possibly be in the Hormel Row of Fame.
There is no lucky seat, and a far worse hot dog treat.
Not for lunch, not for dinner.
I'll NEVER be a weiner winner
RIP Hormel Row of Fame.

I leave you now, as I am gently weeping onto my keyboard.

I am absolutely excited for the season, and waiting with baited breath. I am just afraid of the unknown. But guess what? In 36 days it won't be unknown anymore!

2010 Central Division Championship... and beyond!

WHAT?!

2010-01-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am back from a sabbatical (read: forgot I had this blog) to comment on Mark McGwire's admission of use of HGH in 1998.

NO WAY! A 35 year-old man doesn't naturally increase muscle tone, definition, mass, and skull size? This is CRAZY!

Big Mac, I am sure that you think you are taking the high road by admitting this in the off-season. You are going to be the Cards' hitting coach in 2010, so by addressing this now you are taking away a sure-fire distraction at every press conference that involves you. This is not the case. You are still a total jerkstore.

The high road would have been admitting the use of HGH when ASKED DIRECTLY TO YOUR FACE, UNDER OATH, IN FRONT OF CONGRESS! How you thought that lying by omission to your own government was somehow the lesser of two evils when compared with "it's going to come out eventually..." is a logic that I cannot grasp.

I mean, I am pretty well known for making some terrible decisions, but even I would not try to look like a studious little nerd who doesn't think he should get in trouble just because the rest of the class cheated at a congressional investigation.

Do you want to know how easy it is for everyone in America to know you were guilty LONG before you fessed up? Do me a favor and look at your 1990 baseball card, and then take a look at the picture of you hitting #70. Done.

I am going to try to do better with updating this more often. Maybe until baseball season starts up I'll use it as a broomball forum. FYI- Broomball is my favorite sport to play of all time. I could talk about it for days on end... and do.

91 Days until Target Field!

New in town?

2009-09-02T15:59:00.001-07:00

I love rookies! There is something innately special and precious about watching someone perform in their first real major league baseball game. Knowing that this young man has finally realized the dream he has had as long as he can remember, and being allowed to share in that experience with him, is one of my favorite parts of being a fan.

We all have had that dream. We come up to the plate in the bottom of the 9th with two outs in a tie game. We blast a game winning hit to win the game as our team mobs us in celebration. Jose Morales has done that for real. Jeff Manship struck out the first major league hitter he faced. Brian Duensing has put up four impressive starts to lead our team into a surge for a playoff bid. A few years ago a fresh faced Boof Bonser stunned the Milwaukee Brewers in their own house for his debut victory.

It always makes me feel privileged to be a part of something so precious, and so long in the making. Every time I watch a player get his first major league hit, and the opposing fielder rolls the ball to the dugout so that he can keep that ball forever I think about where they are going to display it, and how much their families will appreciate seeing that evidence of hard work paying off.

The vast majority of us never get the chance to live out a childhood dream, but I know that I personally feel like I get to get a small taste of what it would feel like when I watch the boys on my team celebrate. The joy on Jose Morales' face after knocking in the winning run with a walk of single this past Tuesday night is something that I will never forget, and wish someday to come close to feeling myself.

I feel so lucky to live in a place where each member of my team is someone I can respect and root for, knowing that they appreciate what they have as much as they should.
Go Twins!

Make ME Work

2009-08-27T20:08:00.001-07:00

I never get over the glorious irony of me being totally consumed with Project Runway. I love this show, and it is the only "reality"/game show that I watch religiously. I usually enjoy the judges more than the contestants. Nina being a total b-word, Michael Kors saying "chic" every four seconds, and especially Heidi. I love how unforgiving and harsh Heidi gets when a designer has half-assed a look. Her eyes go black and the German accent becomes more pronounced. She is so cute and dainty, but she will cut your heart out and eat it in front of you with saurkraut if you send some sloppy shorts down the runway.

However, the hero of this show will always be Tim Gunn. He is an overnight success! Ladies and gay gentlemen around the country have embraced Tim as a fashion guru and life coach of sorts. Last year Tim made an appearance at the Rosedale Macy's and for a $50 purchase you could actually talk to him. The crowd was crazy.

Tim had a show called "Tim Gunn's Guide to Style" where he made house calls to fashion disasters and helped them become a fashionable version of themselves. Unlike most of those type of shows, where the bitchy experts faint everytime they see cotton, Tim was actually positive and helpful. What a champion. He still threw away all the awful fauz pas pieces, but at least he was upbeat about upgrading the situation. At the end of the day all he had done was brainwash the lady of the week into his views of flawless taste.

I would like to extend a challenge of sorts to Tim Gunn. We all know that you have impeccable taste. We all know that you sleep in a suit (like Barney Stinson!). We all know that you are morally opposed to the "casualization" of American culture and want sweatpants banned forever. What I would like to know is: can Tim Gunn "make it work" within the comfort zone of one of his distasters?

I want to watch a show where Tim Gunn comes to my house and has to build me a wardrobe that follows MY guide to style, not his, and still makes me look presentable and, what the hell, chic! I have three guidelines that he needs to follow:
1) My body needs to be covered at all times at the very least by the equivelant of a t-shirt and shorts.
2) No itchy or clingy fabrics
3) No uncomfortable or elevated shoes

wait, four guidelines...
4) Factor in the fact that the first thing I do when I get home everyday is put on gym shorts or sweatpants, depending on the season. What are you going to do about it, TG?

Good luck, you dapper bastard. Make me work!

It's our time now!

2009-08-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

I am going to play The Minnesota Rouser on my trombone in the Gophers' on-campus stadium today. I am going to be wearing maroon and gold in a band of my friends and peers, and we are going to become a part of the history of the stadium.

I am very excited, but am afraid that I won't have anyone from my era to share this with. I hope that some of the 23-30 year old Bones show up. That would make this more special.

Ski-U-Mah! We made it to a real college football atmosphere! Go Gophers!

Striving for the Highest

2009-08-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today I believe that I officially signed up for the Inaugural Pronto Pup Eating Contest at the Minnesota State Fair. I say that I believe I signed up because the web registration page at AM1500.com has the least possible amount of information on the event.

I do not know when or where this contest is, but I know that if someone is going to let me eat more than one free pronto pup, I will be there. I will take a couple of hours off of work if I have to. What is personal time for if not gorging yourself on delicious breaded hot dogs?

I am not-so-secretly hoping that this event has a free t-shirt included. I am picturing different designs in my head right now. I already know how fantastic the pronto pup on the Maroon and Gold Day 2002 looked, so I can only hope for a similar graphic. I think having a "I ate way too many pronto pups at the Minnesota State Fair" shirt would only add to my already accomplished t-shirt collection.

My goal for this event is six pronto pups in 10 minutes. I have no pride in saying I really don't think I could eat more than six. I ate 6 Metrodome hot dogs in 2 hours last summer. I felt like a million bucks the next day too, no sarcasm should be inferred. I literally felt strong and robust the next day. The key there is that I took 2 hours. If I had jammed all of those suckers in my gullet in 10 minutes I would have absolutely vomited.

I have a secret stat that I think puts me ahead of all of the other casual lady pronto pup eaters in this contest. My fourth year of marching band I planted an assistant in the crowd at the State Fair parade. Her job was to buy a pronto pup and then sit on the curb about 1/3 of the way through the parade. When we got to her position I veered my file off course and "stole" her pronto pup and began eating it, much to the surprise and delight of the other spectators. It was a real crowd pleaser. Vince really played it up too, so no one knew that she was in on it. Well done VB. If I can make it a whole parade in the hot hot sun with a mouth caked in corn dog breading without getting too thirsty to function AND play a trombone, then I can handle ten minutes of speed eating.

Remind me to ask Ben how he stretched out his stomach for the meter brat. He ate that thing with ease. I need to learn from the master. Although, if I am being truthful, I don't even want to eat until I am completely full. I'd like 4-5 free corn dogs, to save the 12-15 bucks I would have spent on them anyway, and a shirt announcing my participation.

Come get some, Joey Chestnut!

One for the Ages

2009-08-12T19:55:00.001-07:00

Tonight, August 12th of 2-0-0-9, the Twins faced the Royals in the second game of the series. Last night they were brutally maimed, so everyone in the state entered this game licking our wounds. A much maligned Liriano was taking the hill attempting to remind us all that he is a professional pitcher in the Major Leagues. A bevel of slumping bats were trying to give our pitching staff some offensive relief. To make matters worse, I had purchased a Cheap Seat on god-damned student ID night.

The game started out wonderfully. It was almost as if none of the horror of the last couple of weeks had happened. My friend Muffy and I were sitting in my home away from home, section 238, and it did not appear that we were immediately surrounded by jackass college kids. Frankie gave up a solo shot in the top of the first, but struck out two batters ugly. The Twins came out firing for 5 runs in the bottom half, and already The Cisco Kid had some cushion. He ended up going 7 full innings, 90 pitches, 8 strikeouts, 2 hits, 1 run. A FANTASTIC OUTING. The Twins got a couple more in the 4th and won the game 7-1.

That was the overall impression. Let's dig a little deeper. This was the first day of Twins pitching prospect Jeff Manship's professional career. I met Jeff in Single-A Beloit three years ago. We had a nice long conversation about the life of a minor league ball player, and we agreed to meet up at Bullwinkle's when he got called up. I have been waiting for him. I do not estimate that we will ever get that drink, but it is a nice anecdote for me.

I hate a lot of things, but maybe nothing more than jackass twenty year olds at sporting events who make it impossible for anyone to watch or enjoy the game. Matty Guerrier was brought in to pitch the 8th inning. The first batter hit a screaming line drive right at him and he casually gloved it and winged it over to Morneau to go around the horn. It was an electric play. The crowd around me went crazy. I was surprised at how all of these drunken morons were as excited as me by that play. Then I realized that at the exact instant Matty G snared that liner, at least 45 beach balls had been simultaneously released in my section.

The horror. The horror.

I had my pen out to keep my scorebook, and I immediately began weilding it as a weapon. I took down at least six right out of the gate, and several more as they came my way. No one really noticed me doing this as there were so many being bandied about. It was a bloodbath. Meanwhile, Nick Punto made an amazing stick-side diving snare of a ground ball up the middle, hurled it from the ground to Morneau who botched the catch for an infield single. I do not think anyone noticed, and I was barely able to keep sight of the game myself.

With one down, the next batter grounds sharply to Matty G, who again makes a steller catch. He spins and fires to Cabrera (who I am falling in love with) who messes up his footwork before he gets to 2nd base and drops the throw. Safe at 2nd, and the ball is rolling towards right field. The runner on 2 gets up and heads to 3rd base. Nicky Baseball is backing up the play like a good little ballplayer and chases the ball down. He baseball slides in to pick it up and fires the ball over to Crede who sweeps the tag down in time. I witnessed a 1-6-4-5 put-out. Has anyone ever seen a 1-6-4-5? It was amazing! Nicky saved a rally there, it would have been runners on 1st and 3rd with one out for their 2-3-4 hitters. A fantastic play. Did anyone care? No, why would they? There were beach balls to swat at. Rubes.

The Twins got the bases juiced in the bottom of the 8th inning through a series of fielder's choice, a passed ball and a hit batsman. Who was coming up to bat? Little Nicky Punt-0-for-3 himself. He usually hits well in at bats following great defensive plays (Bert will back me up on this), so I was very excited. The beach balls have all been popped or lost to the lower deck and there was only one straggler left. It happened to hit me in the back just before LNP came up. I immediately swung around and stabbed it violently with my pen, just as some douche was reaching to throw it up again (I almost got him in the finger). That was the last damn ball and I killed it. Not three seconds passed before I was hit in the back with a foil-wrapped dollar dog. I was not surprised, heavy is the head that pops the beach balls. However, my boy was up with the bases loaded, and I was sporting his game-worn jersey. I took it off quickly to avoid any future ketchup or mustard stains, and attempted to focus on the at-bat. Another hot dog hit me, and then Muffy got nailed in the face. Uncool, you jackasses.

Obviously Punto flied out deep to right center ending the inning. Obviously all those cowards who were then about to get confronted by an angry Twins fan/antibody enthusiast left the game early. Obviously, even though they warmed him up during the top of the eight, the Twins did not let Jeff Manship make his debut. Obviously JoNathan came in to strike out the side and end the game.

I wish I had gotten to enjoy those last two innings like I should have been able to. The Twins finally played an effective game. They got on the board early, their starter went 7 dominant innings, and their defense played well. Why after weeks and weeks of embarrassing losses do people have to suck the fun out of a win? Shouldn't we all have been in rapt attention soaking in the joy of victory that we have been thirsting for since the All-Star Break? God damn college kids.

Upon arriving home tonight I received the greatest gift I have ever gotten. Omernik, somehow someway, found me a Nick Punto chapstick. The tube looks like his away grey jersey with "Punto 8" on it. It is bing cherry flavored. I think my awed reaction was everything she hoped it would be, and I am going to save this glorious keepsake with my finest posessions. No, I am not ever going to use it no matter how chapped I get. This is priceless.

What a night! I had no idea that this game would be so eventfull, but I am very thankful that I had Muffy and Omernik to experience it with me.

Number of hot dogs I have been hit with for popping beach balls since 2001: 7.
Come get some, frat boys.

Nothing wrong with being a kid

2009-07-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have created a new game. By "created" I mean that I thought of it independently of anything or anyone else. I am under no illusion that I am the only one to ever think of this, but I definitely was not influenced. Lightning struck when I was pressed to entertain. This glorious creation is:

KICK TENNIS!

Ingredients: 4 people who are fun, 1 tennis court, 1 playground ball, 1 First Aid Kit.

Rules: Played doubles-style, Kick Tennis is played using tennis rules, but with only kicking. The server punts or drop kicks the ball to the other side of the net. The opposing team gets two bounces to return the serve. If the initial serve return does not make it over the net, the other member of the receiving team may attempt to kick it over the net before it bounces twice. That is nearly impossible to do, so everyone step lightly!

Warnings:
THIS GAME IS AWESOME!
YOU MIGHT TRIP ON THE BALL AND GET CONCUSSED!
YOU WILL BE WORSE AT THIS THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE!
THE SERVING TEAM WILL ALWAYS WIN THE SET!

Play this game if:
The rest of your friends wuss out and decide that they don't want to play kickball anymore, leaving you and your three cool friends to fend for themselves.
You like tennis, but wish there was more jackassery and giggling.
You went to the trouble of stealing a playground ball from an elementary school and really haven't found that many productive uses for it.

Those interested in starting a sandlot Kick Tennis team, inquire within, but don't bitch out when you get your ass kicked.

Disgust

2009-07-12T14:19:00.001-07:00

Let me say off the bat that I had a blast at the Dome today. The mascot game was wonderful, and I will be posting with pictures and videos soon. The ball game was fantastic, with 15 hits and 13 runs scored by our local 9. A fantastic Sunday afternoon for sure.

However, I am a big ball of rage and self-loathing right now. The second batter in the top of the first inning hit a beautiful line drive foul ball that stayed up and level and came right for my seats. I saw it right off of the bat, I knew it would get to us immediately. It should have been perfect, a dream come true.

I left my glove in my car.

Following the only instincts I had, knowing the ball untouched would land on the ground of the row in front of me, I took of my hat and held it out to give myself the extra few inches of reach I needed to catch the ball cleanly. I had a read on it, my hat was there and ready.

The man in front of me to my left got his hand in and grazed it just enough to send the ball up the brim of my cap and over my right shoulder before I could react. I completely biffed it. I turned, thinking I could recover if it stayed in my row, and I see the ball hit my mother in the left arm and fall to the ground. Before I can kick save the ball from rolling back down to the row in front of me it is gone, and I had lost my chance.

I could easily blame the numb-nuts in front of my for misdirecting my certain catch, but I won't do it. I should have had my glove there. I should have been calling the ball. I should have just bare-handed it rather than deferring to the unsure equipment of my hat. I should have at least kick saved it. This was all my fault and I fucked it up.

I am trying not to be too devastated as I already have caught a live foul ball in my lifetime. I should not expect to be so lucky twice. I just really wanted a souvenir like that to go with my first season as a season ticket holder. I am such a sieve.

Once I recover from this a little further I'll recap the mascot game (a thriller!) and the ball game in general (Joe Mauer = dead weight). Until then I will wallow in my own inadequacy.

REPOST OF 2008 BLOG

2009-07-11T20:35:00.001-07:00

I love Mascot Games - 2008

I went to the Dome today to see Kevin "Slow Ride" Slowey's complete game shutout. It was a real pitchers duel between he and Sheets for the Brewers, but we moved runners around and won 5-0. Great stuff. Real good game.

HOWEVER, not as good a game as TC's 8th Annual Mascot Softball Game. I try to go to this event every year. It kicks ass. They also play mascot basketball and hockey at Gopher game intermissions sometimes. It is the most perfect sporting event I know of. Always exciting and always satisfying. Today was the greatest of the 6 or 7 of these softball games that I have seen.

I wish I had been keeping a book or taking notes somehow. This Mascot Game was so fucking awesome I don't know what to do. Those of you who know me know that I hate TC and love all of the mascots that are too tall and gangly to function (ie Hardware Hank, the original inflatable Subway Sub, and the inflatable Air Force mascots). This game was fantastic because TC was a non-factor and Airman Andy was the Player of the Game. He accidentally deflated 3 times due to making too athletic of a play and screwing up the airflow within the costume. Goldy had to go over twice and help hiim stand up straight so the air could fill him up again. Just awesome. The announcer kept yelling "At attention Soldier! You are representing the United States!" and then the costume would snap back into its full glory. Priceless.

Also, a giant liver that was promoting liver health, Crunch, and Goldy combined to win the game over Bernie Brewer, so TC's at-bat didn't matter at all because Goldy had already scored the winning run. In fact, TC was the last batter, so he just kept running well past the double he had hit, and ended up getting tagged out/mauled by Bernie Brewer in a rather emasculating run-down between 3rd and Home. He ended up out and knocked on his ass. Good thing Goldy won it for him. That fucking bear.

I was hooting and hollering the whole game. It was a really good game. Some amazingly athletic plays were made considering the size of some of those costumes. And Twins 3rd baseman Brian Buscher made an outfield assist to get Bernie Brewer out during his warm ups, so that kicked ass too.

MVP- Airman Andy
Best Diving Catch/Slide into Home Plate- The Giant Liver
Most Suck- TC
Best Mascot Name- Colonol Oom-Pa-Pa from Valleyfair. (Old foam man in Red White and Blue with crazy foam mustache.)

I love mascots. They kick ass. Bring back Hardware Hank.

Living is letting go

2009-05-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

I am currently grappling with a few things about myself that I need to be able to control and release. I am the ripe old age of twenty-six now, and that means that I need to really start actualizing what Adult Stepper is going to be like (and yes, I think Stepper can follow me into adulthood within my social circles). Being able to step back and take inventory of what is working and what is not is a trait that is necessary for a mature and responsible person.

I think that the Minnesota Twins could benefit from some solid self-reflection as well. You didn't think this entry would be without a baseball metaphor, did you? After watching The Cisco Kid implode again in short innings, unable to get an out, fanning the flames pitch after pitch, I made a realization that I believe several Twins fans have made. I had been thinking this for a while, but now that we may seem to actually have the resources I think we can go for it. Frankie, it's been real, but you need to either go to the 'pen and help us while you figure your shit out, or go all the way to Rochester and get back on the horse there for a while.

Swarly Swarzak is putting on a good show so far. He is setting records, keeping his calm, and taking command of the hill. These are things that you used to do Franchise, but I don't see that guy anymore. You let them cut out some of your confidence after that surgery, and that was a mistake. You may not have the completely sick slider anymore, but you are still a dominating figure. Don't give up on yourself.

Personally I think June is going to be a good opportunity for a break for you. We aren't going to need to lean on you versus The Cleve or Oakland, so take a little reflection time and get your shit in order. I know it is unconventional to send a starter to the 'pen for a few weeks, but I would miss you if you were gone, and anyone that can reduce the appearances by the Crain Train or El Gordo is welcomed by me.

Sidebar: Hey Joe Crede, I don't really have the energy or desire to e-berate you right now. Seriously though dude, a three day recovery is not necessary every time the ball touches you. You and Boom-Boom-Mau got hit in the hand the same day versus the Brew Crew. Which one of you sat out for three days and which one hit a pinch-hit bomb the next day? Carlos Gomez ran into a wall, then hit himself in the face with a foul ball (which is extremely difficult to do!) and stayed in the game. You seem to think that when the grounds crew changes the bases mid-game that is your cue to hit the showers after a job well done. Contusion = bruise, dumbass. Rub some dirt on it and get the hell back out there.

Oh, the things I am trying to work on in my own life is my militant tunnel vision that impedes my ability to see outside of my own opinions, causing me to be hard on my coworkers and difficult with my friends. I think it's going good so far, right?

ps- I roll to Wrigley in two weeks!

Don Johnson VII

2009-05-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

I hit 21,000 miles on the old Versa this week, which means that my seventh album has officially dropped. 21K in 23 months isn't bad. I guess this three mile commute to work is coming in handy. Once Scooterville releases Scooter McGavin from the hostage repair situation I seem to be in, the mileage on DJ will drop even lower!

Anyway, here is the tracklist for DJ7

Get Out of My Dreams And Into My Car - Billy Ocean
Perfect Situation - Weezer
Sabotage - Beastie Boys
We Like Sportz - The Lonely Island
Motown Philly - Boys II Men
Jizz In My Pants - The Lonely Island
I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd
I'm On A Boat - The Lonely Island (feat. T-Pain)
Punch You In The Jeans - The Lonely Island
Big Poppa - Notorious B.I.G.
Mr. Carter - Lil Wayne (feat. Jay-Z)
Jockin' Jay-Z - Jay-Z
Heartless - Kanye West
Bye Bye Bye - NSync
Promiscuous Girl - Nelly Furtado (feat. Timbaland)
Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison
Cheated On Me - Gavin DeGraw
Always In Love - Graham Colton
Planning Permission - The Darkness
Blue Sunny Day - Jonathan Coulton
Africa - Toto

What I love about this track list is that it is so obviously stupid. I went with a lot of hip hop this time. I know I can't pull it off, but I listen to it because I like it, not because I look cool rapping. I do not look cool, but I do it anyway. The Lonely Island is funny, as all the kids these days know, but I am a sucker for a clever turn of phrase, so there you go. I'm on a boat mother fucker.

If you do not remember the song "Return of the Mack" I feel sad for you. It really is only awesome because no one has listened to it in 10 years. It was hilarious then and is hilarious now, and that is not what Mr. Morrison was going for... no child no!

I love Weezer. I didn't love them 10 years ago when I should have, but I love them now. Perfect Situation is not my favorite song, but it is the one I went with here because it is one of their songs for which I do not own the real album. I own Blue and Red, and Omernik let me copy Pinkerton. Can't get enough.

Blue Sunny Day is Jonathan Coulton's newest song. It is about a love-torn vampire pondering ending it all by going outside on the most beautiful day of the year. He doesn't specifically say "vampire," but we all know. If you are not a JoCo fan yet, you should be. I have converted Ryan, Omernik, Krefting, both Nealys, and Fiedler already. I can get you too. This dude rules. Listen to Skullcrusher Mountain, Millionaire Girlfriend, The Future Soon, and I Feel Fantastic and tell me I'm wrong.

Looking at this, I still feel like DonJohn 6 is a stronger album, but this is what is current with what I am listening to now. I saved a couple of tracks that didn't match these to feature on DonJohn 8, and it almost makes me want to drive to Alaska just so 24K gets here faster.

I feel like I need to continuously apologize for the rap songs, seeing as my only associate that likes it like I do is Pinto, and I almost never talk to him. Oh well, someday I'll do an all-rap karaoke session, bomb, and then be over it.

Ca-Silla Later!

2009-05-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

I forgot about this blog until a couple of days ago. Nice, huh? I was full of such good intentions when I started this mess. Oh well.

My life has been a blur of work and Twins games. I feel like those are the only two things I have concentrated on or spent time with all spring. As a matter of fact, as soon as I finish this post I am headed to the lab to get a couple hours of work in before the Mother's Day Twins game with my Mom. What a great Sunday! Okay, on with the rant.

First of all I will assert that I am PUMPED about the Boom-Boom-Pow longball clinic being put on by our boys. The Mauer to Morneau back-to-back sensation is here to stay. Mauer got his man-strength this off-season. Have y'all noticed how much beefier he looks this year? For a dude with back issues he sure must have lifted a lot this winter. Keep 'em coming boys. Keep everyone afraid of the piranhas, and then BAM- shark attack.

Now down to the overly-specific baseball nitpick. That damned Delmon Young! I dogged him all year for his terrible defense, and since his offense was struggling to meet expectation as well, others started 2009 hating on him too. His offense has started off nicely, and he is not making as many obvious errors and blunders as last year, so I feel like people are easing up on him. DO NOT ACQUIESCE! I am going to explain to you why this dude still has no business in the outfield.

#1- No speed, no agility, and watching him try to pick up a ball that is anywhere near a wall or corner is too painful to even find a decent metaphor.

#2- This play happened last night (Saturday) versus the Mariners (Liraino v Hernandez). Ichiro is up in the 5th inning. I believe he led off, but there may have been 1 out. He battles with Liriano and finally half-swings himself a single to the right field gap. Runner on first with amazing speed, and a 3-run lead. Lopez steps into the box. Now obviously Liriano is going to use his off-speed and breaking pitches to try to induce a ground ball during this at-bat. Going after a right-handed hitter with heat will mean that decent contact will most likely be going to the opposite field. If Lopez hits a ball through the right side of the infield, Ichiro is on 3rd base in a heartbeat. We go after him with breaking pitches so that if a ground ball or liner gets through the infield, it will be to left field to hold Ichiro to 2nd.

The second pitch of the at bat is a slider that Lopez pulls to about 20 feet inside of the left field foul line. Where is Delmon? So far into the left-center gap that by the time he does his little mincing lady prance over to the ball Lopez is on second base and Ichiro has scored. Why the hell was he that far into the gap? If my tiny little girl head can figure that out while simultaneously competing in a putting contest, filling out a sudoku puzzle, and eating all the grapes in my dad's refrigerator then perhaps a professional outfielder who has obviously never had any other plan in life besides baseball should know how to position himself a little better in that situation.

Overall, I am obviously pleased by how my boys are coming together. I can't believe I waited this long to exclaim this, but Matt Tolbert is back! I never really wrote about my spring training trip, but Matty T was the star for sure. I am head over heals for that little hustler. Nick Punto 2.0 indeed! I still love Nicky, but with the two of them both up here holding down the middle infield I am really starting to envy second base.

Okay, off to work. Keep it real everyone.

I love this move! Baseball kicks ass.

2009-03-24T19:35:00.001-07:00

I am getting up for work at 5am tomorrow morning so I can get out at 2:30, get to the light rail station, and be at the airport for my 4:55 flight. To FT. MYERS! Oh man, this trip wasn't even on my bucket list, that is how impossible I thought it was. The entire time I was growing up I tried to follow spring training ball, and naturally lost track until the final rosters were set, and the Home Opener arrived. It never even occurred to me that I could go until I got a job that paid me money. 2009 kicks ass!

I am already off topic. Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. That is not the point. The point is that in my nervous, spazzy, energetic attempt to fall asleep at 9:15 I found myself browsing the MLB section of ESPN.com. Not really a lot of interesting things there usually, considering America hates baseball now, but tonight I got lucky. I read an article that made me feel great about the nation's pasttime. SOME people are still thinking about this game the right way. Playing ball first, money second.

David Price is starting the year in AAA

I love this move. This guy was a stud down the stretch as a call-up. He did amazingly well in the post season. This team has every reason to ride this kid hard into the '09 season to keep the fans they got and show they have a future ace right now. Instead they are going to make sure he gets the innings and the fine-tuning he needs so that when he turns pro fulltime, he never looks back (a la Liriano).

Bravo, Rays. I have always thought of you as a hopeless perennial doormat that was destined to be forever vexed by the Fluke of '08 and the Curse of the East Division. I stand corrected. You might just be a legit organzition yet.

Baseball!

Don Johnson VII

2009-03-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

Ever since I bought my 2007 Nissan Versa, better knows as Don Johnson, I have made a new mixed CD at every oil change. As I approach 21,000 miles and its corresponding check-up I am working on the track list for DJ:7. Usually I like a nice mix of upbeat pop music, danceable hip-hop, and rocking rock songs that rock. The one criterion that has connected each part of this album series is that the first track always has to do with cars or transportation in some way. For example, here are some examples for you to exemplify with.

DJ:5
Drive - Jonathan Coulton
Paper Planes - M.I.A
Shut Up - Black Eyed Peas
Show Me What You Got - Jay Z
Dancing Machine - Jackson 5
Where You Are - Jackson 5
What About Love - Heart
Alone - Heart
Never Let You Go - Steelheart
Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Starship
Holding My Own - The Darkness
Higher - Damn Yankees
I Remember You - Skid Row
Man Who Murdered Love - XTC
I'm Gonna Make You Love Me - The Jayhawks
Not About You - Jonathan Coulton
The Town Crotch - Jonathan Coulton
Make You Cry - Jonathan Coulton
2 Become 1 - Spice Girls
UnBreak My Heart - Toni Braxton

DJ:6
One Way Ticket to Hell... and Back - The Darkness
Girlfriend - The Darkness
Single Ladies - Beyonce
Disturbia - Rihanna
One More Drink - Ludacris
Kick Push - Lupe Fiasco
Got It From My Mama - Will.i.am
Ain't No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful Nightmare - Beyonce
Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar
Rock'n'Roll - Eric Hutchinson
Knockers - The Darkness
My Name Is Jonas - Weezer
You Found Me- The Fray
Tearing Up My Heart - NSync
All I Have To Give - Backstreet Boys
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Amy- Pure Prairie League
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen
The Hot Stepper - Ini Kamoze

I am really into making these CDs. I take the track order and all that stuff pretty seriously. Not "High Fidelity" seriously, but I still put a decent amount of thought into it.

I have gone through and just added in any song I have thought of for this next album and still only have 73 minutes out of 80 taken up. Many of those songs won't make the cut, so really I am short quite a few songs so far. I have around 700 miles to figure this out. If anyone would like to make a suggestion, feel free. Also, if anyone likes to sing/yell with the windows down and the summer breeze in your hair, you should come ride with me sometime.

SPOILER ALERT:
PS- The two songs that are absolute locks for DonJohnson 7 are "Punch You In The Jeans" by The Lonely Island, and "Toxic" by Britney Spears. There is another track that was actually the first song that got me thinking about this, but it is so awesome I am not even going to waste it by mentioning it here. It will be early on the album, and it would behoove you to find yourself in my car sometime in the next 3000 miles.

NO MORE SPOILERS:
I am WAY behind on my write-up of the Twins in 2009. I have a lot on my plate at work right now, as well as trying to get ready for Spring Training. I will probably push it back until I have sweet eye witness accounts from Ft. Myers. Sorry if anyone was looking forward to that.

Oh Ver Ray Ted

2009-03-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

I recently read a blog written by James Gunn (horror film writer/director, and the former Mr. Jenna Fischer). He sat down with a few of his friends and hammered out a list of the 100 Most Over Rated Things Ever. This list was created on the foundation of establishing what the rating of anything currently was, and how much higher it was than it deserved to be. This is not a list of things that suck. It is a list of things with too high a rating from society at large. I think this was a fantastic idea. Listing 100 things that suck, but are somehow beloved in the mainstream would have been so easy, and so in fashion, that I really respect his distinguishing of a totally different kind of assessment.

Here a few excerpts from his list. He gave no explanation on any except his number one pick, which I disagree with on the sole issue that I don't think it's current rating is very high anyway, so for it to be overrated it would have to actually deserve a zero (which I believe is his exact belief).

89. SHREK
84. Yoga
74. Kevin Spacey
60. Porsches
51. Chiropractors
51. Chiropractors
39. Girl Scout Cookies
33. The Liberty Bell
17. Tom Hanks
11. Jon Stewart, post 2007
5. Jazz
2. Led Zeppelin
1. Unicorns

You can look up his blog if you want to see his unicorn argument. Speaking as someone on a dodgeball team called The Rainbow Unicorns, I think the current rating of unicorns is appropriate. I even think they may be underrated now that wizards and vampires have taken over the hearts of children. How about a wholesome fake creature instead of those devil worshippers, eh? Unicorns can't be played by a teen heart throb in a motion picture franchise, that is the problem.

Getting back on point, I recently started up an informal discussion about things I thought were overrated at a dodgeball tournament with the afore mentioned kickass team. We talked about it and threw some options back and forth during our down time between games. It really is a fun discussion. I am going to list a few things here, and hopefully those of you that have found your way to this blog will add to the discussion.

My Number One Most Overrated Thing Ever: DOGS
I do not hate dogs, nor am I in any way a fan. They are incredibly high maintenance, to the point of taking over the owner's entire life. They smell, they are loud, and they are attention mongers. They require almost constant supervision. They require assistance to relieve themselves. They attack visitors, and almost always go for the crotch. Save for that last point, they are exactly like a baby. A baby that will never grow up and begin taking care of itself, or even communicating with you in anything but grunts and eye contact. Ugh, why is everyone so in love with dogs?! They may be cool, but they are in no way deserving of the "everyone should love them or else they are heartless" level they seem to have established.

Other picks:
New Years- Seriously? Not that big of a deal everyone. You shouldn't be clamoring for fake reasons to celebrate and go crazy when the late November-December period is pretty much a constant pot luck/gift exchange anyway.

24- Do you know how many tortured heroes are seemingly unkillable, taking down bad guys left and right, and still have their own demons to battle? Jack Bauer cannot possibly be that great. The Chuck Norris set of jokes was cool because he is so old, on a canceled CBS series, and obviously an ironic non-idol. People seem to really think that Jack Bauer is like a badass Jesus. Come off it America.

Fantasy Football- This phenomenon has single handedly made the NFL the new national past time. Men with cubicle jobs and the women that want to bang them have all centered their lives around assessing injuries and potential yardage in the slot for a tight end (that's what she said). Professional football as its own event is not that impressive, and I think everyone can agree the rules get semi-ridiculous. In the era of 24-hour news coverage, High-Def broadcasts, and DVR the fans have almost more insight into the game than the players and coaches. Armchair quarterbacks are now keyboard offensive coordinators. It is kind of ridiculous, there I said it.

Pizza (american delivery style)- It's everyone's default favorite food. Everyone will eat it anytime. Why? Bread, sauce, cheese, all of low quality. It also takes about 45 minutes to get it once you decide you're hungry. I like pizza a lot, but sometimes I wonder why.

These are just a few of mine. Dogs and New Years I stand behind, the others were just for the point of instigating. Your thoughts?

The Diamond is This Girl's Best Friend: Baseball & Me

2009-03-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

I remember sitting along the 3rd base line of my t-ball field at the tender age of four years old. I was batting 5th in our lineup, and I was talking with the boy who was batting cleanup. He was bragging about batting fourth, which even then we all knew was reserved for the power hitters. I agreed with him and said that he could probably be a DH he was so good (I was young and didn't understand that the designated hitter was created to elongate the careers of the washed up). He wasn't sure what DH meant, and so I explained the position of designated hitter to him, and went back to chewing the laces off of my glove.

I have always loved baseball. I have always to be a student of the game. I enjoy how the speed of the game is such that there is plenty of time to think everything through. I love its introspective nature and they way it is several solo efforts combined into a team performance. Most of my earliest memories are of Little League or Knothole Night at the Metrodome. It's been a life long love affair, but it has been a very dynamic one.

I spent many summer evenings running around my backyard diving after pop ups my Dad would throw just out of range. I imagined myself as Dan Gladden streaking across left field. I mastered catching a tough fly to my glove side, planting my right foot as I spun around and using my momentum to hurl in a powerful throw to my cutoff man, just like Danny. My defense was fine tuned. However, my tiny girl arms meant that I was never going to become an offensive force. Watching the Twins win the 1991 World Series as my idol landed on home plate swarmed by his teammates fed my passion throughout elementary school.

I played with the boys through the summer after sixth grade, long after most of the other girls left for softball. I played both softball and baseball that year to prepare myself for the transition. It was a rough summer. I played two years of slow pitch leading up to trying out for high school fastpitch. Again, offense was not my forte, and I was a defensive replacement for Varsity starting in 10th grade. I was a captain by the time I was a senior, but still batted around .210 every year with a load of sac bunts.

I was, and still am, a headcase out on the field. I mutter situations to myself. I talk through the outs and the runners, where the play is going. I would chatter in the infield, but stick to saying all the cliches twice ("Infield going one now, infield going one" or "Nice pitch Shooter, nice pitch," or my favorite "Here we go now, here we go"). Fastpitch isn't really anything at all like baseball in terms of the mentaliy of the game. The infield is so small and the action is almost entirely beween the pitcher and the batter. Walk-strikeout-bunt, that's it. Infielders had to be cat-like and outfielders had to have cannons.

I have played on at least one Adult Rec league softball team every year since. I like to say I have a 22 year career going, but it's been hard to think that I have anything to do with baseball anymore when slowpitch is all I have left. I still list my two favorite smells as baseball dirt and cut grass. Everytime I see a pyramid sun in the sky I know it means it is baseball season. This is the game that I have spent my life with, and it will always be my first and truest love.

I decided that after the year I had in 2008 that 2009 needed to be better. I needed to find something to focus my life on that was just for me. I needed a way to feel content and stable. 2009 is going to be a renewal of my dedication to my Twins and my sport. I went to around 25 games last season, and kept a book at a few, but wasn't engrossed like I usually am. I live across the street from the HomerDome now, and am recommiting myself. I am accomplishing 3 lifelong goals this year: I have season tickets, I am going to Spring Training, and I am going to watch my Local 9 play at Wrigley Field. I have put over a month's salary into this season so far, and the starters haven't even pitched 5 innings in a game yet. This is going to be my year.

I will write later on my views on the current roster for your Minnesota Twins. I will also share my philosophy on how the game should be played. I simply wanted to give a small, and not nearly as poetic as I had hoped, backstory on my baseball history. As you will learn soon enough, I value heart over skill everytime, so get used to getting an opinion that is backed by numbers almost none percent of the time.

Inaugural Blog

2009-03-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

I have moved away from the archaic xanga site to this hip and with-it blogger site to continue my e-pursuits into discourse and discussion. All of the blogs that I read are on this site, save for the The Office cast members on myspace, so now I feel like I am a part of the e-community of e-procrastination again.

I used my former blog as a random mash of personal reflection, anecdote preservation, and the critique of the television shows that I like (primarily the now defunct Gilmore Girls). I think this weblog will steer away from being a whiny journal for my personal life and focus mainly on the skewering of the Four Things I Think About: Local Sports Teams, Television, Adult Rec Sports, Awesome Miscellanea. There will probably be the odd post about a crummy day, but for the most part I am using this as a way to get back into the semi-creative writing at a B- level that I used to crank out in high school.

This was my introductory blog. I will follow up shortly with a feature that, knowing my temperament, will most likely be a frequent column; What are my hopes and dreams pinned on now?